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How Things Change

6 Oct

Not sure why this popped into my head this morning, but I remembered posting a question a guys forum about becoming a dad. Here is that post:

I hope someone can help, maybe someone who has been in a similar situation.

My wife and I (both 30) have recently begun discussing starting a family. Until now we have both been quite adamant that we didn’t want a family. However, feelings have changed and we have realised that we don’t want the materialistic things that we once did. We want something more fulfilling.

However, something is holding me back from getting excited. I am absolutely terrified that I won’t have feelings for our child. I am a caring person, very patient, love the idea of teaching and explaining things, but, when I am around children, I feel absolutely nothing (other than dread and panic). My brother and sister in law recently had a baby and everyone else is cooing and falling in love with him and I have no feelings for him whatsoever. Sure, he’s funny to watch but I don’t want to hold him or feed him like everyone else does.

I feel like I’m letting my wife down and depriving her of something she clearly so dearly wants. I don’t know what I want. One minute I think it’ll be great, the next I just panic.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Oh boy how things have changed!

Funnily enough the majority of replies all stated that this was normal and most of the dads there felt the same. They all said it changes the moment you see and hold your child.

For me, it changed far sooner than that, 12 weeks into the pregnancy in fact, when I saw the image of my daughter fidgeting inside my wife. Someone just flicked a switch – that is my child and that was it.

That switch will never be turned off.

Alternative Labour Advice

11 Apr

I almost forgot to say. You’ll get a lot of advice as a dad to be, mostly from experienced parents.

A lot of it will reinforce what you’ve been told elsewhere while the rest will contradict.

The advice you receive will be very different to that which your partner receives. However every now and then, a little gem will be sent your way.

Yesterdays advice was one such gem. I met an old friend/acquaintance while walking to the shops whom I hadn’t seen in some time. She was over the moon when I told her the good news. She asked that I pass on the following:

“labour is a lot like having an orgasm. At first you might think it’s hellishly painful, but if you let your body take over and not fight it, it’s actually quite nice and easy.”

I shall say no more.

It’s Life Jim, But Not As We Know It

11 Apr

That’s us pretty much up to date now. Hopefully I’ve shared some of the emotions and processes I went through and that they were in some way helpful.

We are now at the 37.5 week stage, which is classed, apparently, as full term so it’s really any day now.

Am I ready? Yes, I think I am. I have heard many people say that they want to make the most of the time they have left with their partner as just a couple, but anyone pretending they can go away for the weekend as a normal couple is having a laugh. For a start your partner will be exceptionally uncomfortable, which is paramount to a romantic weekend away, obviously. They’ll be tired, unable to share a bottle of bubbly and will need to pee every 20 minutes.

Now that’s not to say you can’t have a lovely time. Far from it in fact, you just have to do things in a different way. For example, my wife and I have a long standing relationship with St Andrews and have spent many sunny weekends walking the beaches and cliffs, then strolling along to our favourite bar for a few cocktails then heading back to our gorgeous hotel up on the clifftop (The Fairmont St Andrews). So this past weekend the sun decided to show its face so we decided we’d go up to St Andrews with a picnic “one last time as just the two of us”. What a prefect day. The drive up was lovely (with no false contractions, which makes the drive all hairier) and we found a parking space right next to the loos – result!

The majority of the afternoon was spent lying in the shelter of a sand dune with a lovely picnic listening to the sea and the breeze blowing through the grasses. My wife even managed to find a position to lie that wasn’t overly uncomfortable. To give you an idea of our view, try this:

20110411-084457.jpg

What was interesting though, was that it was impossible to forget that it wasn’t just the two of us. We couldn’t help but discuss how lovely it would be to have our daughter lying in between us when she was very young and then for us to be playing in the sand and the water with her and the dog when she was a little older (assuming we had a dog).

We then took a stroll/waddle up to the West Port Bar in South Street. It just so happens they do great food and wonderful mocktails, which are, as the name suggests, fake cocktails. Or to put it another way, cocktails without the alcohol. Very refreshing after an afternoon in the sun.

Then it was a nice drive home, some dinner and then a DVD called Julie & Julia (would be great if this blog got as much attention), which was a great way to end a great day.

So things will change, don’t expect them not to. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy doing the same things as before, you just need to tweak them a little so that they fit in better with family life. As long as you both want the same out of family life I think you’ll love the changes. I can’t wait.

From here on in, I plan to write about things as they come up. If I have a stunningly dull week, I may not share it, although if it’s a week of dirty nappies an sleepless nights I will most certainly share it, because you’ll go through it too :-)

Until then.

You’re Pregnant? Be Our Friend!

7 Apr

So you’ve done the reading, you’ve been given advice from friends, family and colleagues, so what does any rational parent to be do now? Try and get more information! Of course you want more information to further muddy the waters of what is proper parenting.

You will most likely be told that your local NHS runs antenatal classes which you should attend. If like us, you didn’t listen to that bit information, you may be considering finding antenatal classes to go to, thinking there are no NHS ones.

We found the NCT ran classes in our area so we signed up, paid the fees and went along.

I’m not sure we had any fixed ideas of what we wanted to gain from going. Maybe we wanted to come away with a crystal clear plan with everything mapped out. If that sounds like you, stop reading, go an get a hammer, and then knock some sense into yourself. I’ll wait while you do that. Done? Ok. Maybe we just wanted to see what else we could pick up. That secret NCT members birthing position, like the Masonic handshake, that is only used for those enlightened enough. Still got the hammer? Good.

In the end the best thing about the classes was that we got to meet other couples in the same situation. We didn’t have any other friends who were pregnant at the time and so meeting these new people was great. Sharing experiences so far, sharing tips that had been picked up, the dads trying to talk about anything other than children, it was all very good.

While at one of the classes I was speaking to one of the other guys an mentioned that we didn’t know about the NHS classes. He immediately said not to go to them. He had been and said the difference between the NHS an NCT ones was huge. The NHS classes used words like “tear” and “rip” while the NCT ones used words like “relax”, “focus” and “support”. I suppose they are aimed at a different bunch but I sometimes think it’s the wrong way round. Enough of that though, this isn’t meant to become a social commentary.

The classes came to an end and I have to say we did learn a lot. One image that will stay with me though is that of a knitted breast, complete with coloured nipple, and a Boglin feeding from it. Yes, you did read that correctly.

We are still in touch with most of the others from the class and we meet often, all waiting to see who will be next. It’s also safe to say we all feel comfortable enough to share some fairly intimate details, most notably “I’m 2 centimetres dilated by the way”. Sharing this is one thing, sharing this while we’re all out for dinner is quite another!

So would I recommend going to an antenatal class or two? Yes, but use this as only one of many sources of information.

Daddy Limbo

4 Apr

Once you get over the initial excitement, you are left to carry on with your everyday life. For me that was quite hard. Mainly because you have all this excitement in the first few weeks, then the scan and then, nothing.

But it’s not really nothing. You know in only a few months you’re going to be parents, but there’s nothing you can do to speed up the process or make it any smoother. My wife and I are both “planners” so our urge was simply to get everything as organised as possible. There’s a lot to do, but it doesn’t take months!

So once you’ve run out of things to get ready, what do you do? Try and relax is one thing. Cocoa butter is the other. Cocoa butter? Yes. For the bump. Stretch marks do not make for a happy lady. Plus it’s a bit of dad to bump contact time. While you’re rubbing it in, you get to feel all the bumps inside – is that an arm? A bum? A head? Am I patting its tummy or its face? It’s all good though. Plus, it’s the softest your hands will ever be :-) *think manly thoughts*

The way I described it when asked was to say it felt like being in limbo. There was no point in planning too far ahead as didn’t know what was coming so we jut had to wait. I don’t like waiting. That’s a new skill I’m learning.

So things just muddle along quite the thing until the next scan, at 20 weeks.

More on that in the next post.

What’s That I Can Smell?

1 Apr

By this point, “morning” sickness was in full swing. The reason I put the quotes round the word morning was because it is anything but. It starts in the morning yes, but it carries on all day.  So really it’d have been more accurate to call those few precious vomit free hours “moments of clarity” than to call what my wife had “morning sickness”.

And what set it off? All my favourite breakfast ingredients. Yes, coffee and toast. And how do you find out that that’s what causes it? Only after you’ve made your breakfast and are sitting down to that first bite when your wife appears, looks at you, then runs to the sink. Mmmmmmm.

So it was cereal and porridge for the next few months…..

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Are You In There?

1 Apr

The first scan. This was, for my wife and I, the first thing we officially did as a pregnant couple. Off we went to the hospital, thinking we knew what we were in for. I’m sure you’ve all seen the TV programs showing a baby shaped blob on screen and the background sound of a heartbeat.

What they don’t warn you about though, is the movement. There is a huge difference between seeing a photograph and watching a TV program and the same applies to seeing your own baby. I had expected the static image of a baby. What I got was a fidgety, lively baby with arms, legs, head, all moving about like a real person. At only 12 weeks a little sperm and a little egg had managed to come together and made this amazing little thing.

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So What Happens Next?

31 Mar

So what happens when you find out you’re going to be a dad?

I suppose that depends on whether or not it was planned. If you hadn’t planned on becoming a dad, then I would imagine you would be struck with panic, then various scenarios of how things were going to work would start running through your head.

Interestingly enough, that’s also exactly what happens when you’ve planned on conceiving and then you find out you’ve done it! Don’t get me wrong, the overwhelming emotion is happiness, there’s no denying that, but there’s also the sudden realization that your life is about to change and that you have to be responsible for someone who can’t look after themselves (don’t say this to your partner – you are asking for a comment regarding your own personal skills). Of course we considered all these things before we actively set out to conceive, but talking about it and actually “being” pregnant are two very different things, both mentally and physically.

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The Fun Part

30 Mar

For many of you out there, this part comes before the discussion on whether or not you want to start a family. Sometimes that decision has been made for you and you then go through the various emotions, just in a different order. For us, after making the decision, there was only one thing left to do.

So as rational and practical people we looked at calendars, bought ovulation sticks and went to it, so to speak. Just a little note for any other guys reading this: you won’t ovulate so don’t expect the sticks to tell you you are. Let’s leave that one there shall we?

Previous to this whole thing, we had booked what could only be described as a holiday of a lifetime, to a place called Chateau D’Arnac. Sun, relaxation, good food and drink (no wine for the lady) and some of the obvious made for a wonderful break. On the ferry back, we booked a cabin as the return crossing was a few hours longer than we would have liked. Turned out to be quite a special cabin.

Advice from friends (all of whom had children), doctors and other “reliable” medical sources said that for most couples trying to conceive and having just stopped using contraception, it takes on average 6 months to get pregnant.

For those of you with mathematical minds, you’ll know that averages iron out the few highs and lows of a  sample. We were one of those outliers. And not the highs.

Two months after stopping contraception, this happened:

The Moment That Changed Our Lives

So about 5 minutes before that photo was taken, we were watching a seconds hand ticking on a watch. About 3 minutes before that photo was taken, we were screaming with joy. Said screaming continued for another 2 minutes. Then I took the photo.

Even looking at it now makes me smile. In an instant, we knew our lives would never be the same again.

The Fear

30 Mar

So after deciding that we wanted to start a family, my brain began going crazy with thoughts for the future. One worry kept coming back to me though – would I be a good dad and would I love my child. That might sound bizarre to some people but as I had never had any sort of feeling towards a baby before, other than that odd protectiveness over my nephew, I had no idea if I could elicit that kind of feeling.

Using various modes of communication, I spoke to a fairly wide range of guys about this topic. Pretty much every single one of them said that they had felt the same and that it passed for most and disappeared completely for all when they first met their baby.

Having no real other option I accepted what I was told and carried on as normal. The worry was still there of course, but I knew I wanted a family and had to accept that nature would do its thing and things would kick in when they were required.

Without saying too much more just now, nature is a wonderful and truly powerful thing :-)